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Wordplay

Each year, the Washington Post runs a "wordplay" contest, seeking submissions from its readers on clever, topical and witty alternate meanings for common words.

The 2017 "neologism" contest provided some inspired definitions, reproduced for your amusement below.  My personal favourites... #4 and #7

  1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  12. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
  13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
  14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddishisms.